


Real People Aren't Always Okay

by zeldainhiding



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Comfort, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, i don't specify if they're in a relationship, it could be taken either way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26738554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeldainhiding/pseuds/zeldainhiding
Summary: real life isn’t always okay and real people aren’t always perfect.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	Real People Aren't Always Okay

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer 1- I am not Dan and although this is based on real people and events, I cannot presume to know his thought processes. This is a work of fiction.  
> disclaimer 2- There has been a bit of a shitstorm over the last couple of days and I wrote this to say that anybody, no matter how old they are or how ‘good they’ve got it’ can have problems. We all have problems. BUT this is not me trying to cause arguments, and please don’t take it as such.

The girl misspells his name and the only thing that Dan can think is how possibly somebody could misspell the name Dan.

  
Rain is pouring down on the glass of the windows and the air is grey and thick and his hair is damp and starting to curl but Dan doesn’t care any more, he just doesn’t care, because his life is spiraling out of control much faster than he can keep a grip on it, and when all you wanted was to be _somebody_ , there is nothing more terrifying than when that starts happening and you’re no longer stuck in the tiny little safeness of your comfortable meaningless existence, and are instead confronted by a million different expectations and responsibilities and offers to _do something_ and to _be someone_ and Dan is melting under it all.

  
He grabs a spoon and stirs his macchiato and watches as the caramel sinks into the foam and he takes a deep breath which smells of hot coffee and damp jacket and hair and fear. And he can hear the chinking of the spoon on the side of the mug, so he closes his eyes and leans back on the padded red seat of the booth in the corner and listens to his spoon on the mug, and eventually he can tune out the noises of chattering people and the coffee machines and the spattering of the grey sleet on the steamed-up glass windows.  
And if he tries harder he can start to tune out the voices in his head, too, the voices of the fans screaming his name and the BBC announcing the radio show and even the ones of his friends and family who are so, so proud of him.

  
He breathes in through his nose, and exhales through his mouth, licking his chapped lips as he puts down the spoon and holds the coffee mug in both hands.

  
Dan started going to quieter coffee shops when he needed some peace- somewhere nobody could find him, but then people started recognising him, maybe even talking to him. And then one time, somebody betrayed him. A new waitress, putting down a slice of lemon and poppyseed cake who’s face lit up in recognition, but Dan was too self-absorbed to notice. So when the hoards turned up in the coffee shop, Dan didn’t even realise at the time that it was her who had tweeted about him being there. And he had to pretend he was okay, and smile and chat to nearly 50 people and pose for almost as many selfies, and he never even finished his lemon and poppyseed cake. Because Dan was mid existential-crisis, and that time he almost cracked. One of his worst memories of late, amid a head of bad memories. And when he got home he curled up on the sofa and cried until his eyes hurt and his face went numb, and when Phil walked in he dropped all his shopping bags and ran over to the sofa and wrapped his arms around Dan. And Dan pressed his face into Phil’s shoulder and that stupid space-jacket and sobbed, his whole body shaking with pain, as Phil whispered soothing words into his ear, reminded him he was alive, he was Dan, and he was okay.

  
Dan exhales again, his eyes still closed, and thinks of Phil. If Dan didn’t have Phil, he’d have broken a long time ago. Because in public, Dan almost always seems happy, and only Phil seems to know when he’s cracking. Phil, who can get him out of a social situation when Dan is too afraid to admit that he is terrified of life itself, and always has been.

  
Dan has spent all day panicking, stressing, wondering what he’s doing with his life and trying to hold on to any control he’s got left. But he hasn’t got much to cling on to. He spends all his time answering emails and planning the radio show and editing videos. If he didn’t answer the emails he wouldn’t have a job. If he didn’t plan the radio show he wouldn’t have a job.  
If he didn’t make videos, he wouldn’t even be Dan at all.

  
It scares Dan, that he doesn’t quite know where to draw the line between himself and danisnotonfire. So many times he has contemplated just doing it, just hitting the ‘delete channel’ button. It would be so easy, except for the fact that it wouldn’t. Why does youtube even have a ‘delete channel’ button? Because they learnt that once you become a ‘personality’, you must forever stay that person or forever lose everything? And the only way out… Is the latter option? Perhaps.

Dan has been thinking for a while, and has also been miraculously undisturbed for a while. Perhaps Starbucks is a less conspicuous place to be after all. He picks the mug up- it is heavy, he ordered a medium, and it’s the size of a bucket- and presses it to his lips.

  
The coffee is still too hot, but Dan sips at it anyway, concentrating on the swirls of the browny liquid inside, the amazing taste of the caramel on his tongue and the hot coffee trickling down his throat. He takes a mouthful and does not swallow it, just holding it in his mouth and enjoying the feel and taste of it there as long as he is able until the burning liquid actually starts to hurt.

  
Dan often tries to think what he could do to hang on the the tip of this wave that is threatening to crash down upon him and drown him under his own terrifying expectations and aspirations, and never really finds a solution. For what _can_ he do? He can keep on answering emails and planning radio shows and editing videos, and he can tell his audience about his existential crisis, as long as he keeps it funny, because Dan can never not be happy, can never not be danisnotonfire.

  
And when Dan takes time out to play Halo or watch anime or scroll endlessly through tumblr, he knows that he is wasting his precious time on this earth but he also know that these wastes of time are sometimes the only things that can make him happy. Because although there is the constant overhanging oppression of seconds of his life ticking ticking ticking away, Dan can focus on the shooting and the making out and the fanfiction, and he can fill himself with worries for their problems and not for his own, and for a little bit of time Dan can be preoccupied by a world that’s not as amazing as his own. Because Dan’s life is so good and he has everything going for him and everyone loves him, and that scares him so much because it disables anybody from actually being able to understand the crippling anxiety that holds him captive every day he awakens and realises he has to _live_.

  
The rain is blurring together behind the windows and Dan wonders if it is salty like the tears forming behind his eyes because _it’s all just too much_. And Dan knows rain isn’t salty and he knows his life is great and he should be happy and grateful and proud and he _knows_ , but that doesn’t mean that he has to be okay, not all the time.

  
And it’s not like Dan doesn’t want to be okay, he does, but when he’s walking down the road and all he wants to do is grab some milk because Phil has drunk it all, and he hears someone scream out his name, sometimes he just wants to sink into the ground and curl up and cry because he’s got to stop and smile and show how much he loves these people, and there are so many people that he’s got to love, and he can’t comprehend that number. When he’s alone like this with his coffee, it’s just a number, and he’s safe for a time. It’s when he goes out there and sees them, and he is infinitely grateful and he owes them all a smile and a hug, but sometimes he just doesn’t have any smiles left to give, and so he has to make them out of all his twisted bits of heart, and he feels like all the smiles are slowly chipping away at him, and all the fame is slowly draining him and the only thing he’s got left is his time alone to sit and drink coffee; and Phil. He knows he’s got Phil and he knows that without Phil he wouldn’t be here at all and he knows that Phil won’t go. Because if Phil went then there would be nothing to stop Dan hitting the delete button on his youtube channel, and there would be nobody to help Dan when the thought of other humans fills him with an overwhelming tidal wave of dread, and there would be nobody to hold him when all he needs is a hug and somewhere to let it out.

  
When Dan realises that the coffee is ready to drink he just stares into the depths of the mug and traces the pattern of the Starbucks insignia with his fingers, the nervously nibbled down fingernails not even reaching the white shiny pot.

  
Dan decides to think about Phil- the last thing keeping him grounded. Even when he feels like his life is spinning out of control and the comments and the gifs and the photos just weigh upon him like the dark night pressing upon the ocean so that the horizon disappears, Phil is always there to provide enough light that Dan can glimpse the horizon; enough happiness and safety for Dan to keep going, to not completely break down. Dan has his low points- so does Phil, so does every human- but Dan often finds it difficult to remember that, and so when Phil reminds him that it’s okay to be afraid, it’s okay to be human, Dan can breathe again. Whether it’s on those cold nights in watching anime together or those sunny days out getting ice tea and shopping, Dan knows that when he’s got Phil by his side, he can keep his thoughts from spiralling too far. Yes, his life is crazy and difficult and yes he’s got problems he’s dealing with.

  
But so has everyone else.

  
Dan stares at the worn red material covering the seats on the other side of the booth and as he starts to climb out of his low he wishes that Phil was sat there opposite him, just like so many times before. There have been a hundred times they have sat opposite each other in a Starbucks, their drinks in their hands and their breathing in sync and their thoughts and feelings so different and important every single time. There was the first time, in Manchester on a rainy October day, where everything was more important than anything and Dan was just drowning in sadness, but he had today, this one day, where he could forget about that. And then again in the same place, so much later, where Dan was so much better and so much brighter, and Phil suggested, blue eyes flashing with excitement and apprehension, that maybe Dan should move in with him, perhaps they could get an apartment together, and Dan felt he could explode with nerves and happiness. The time they decided to film a video out in Manchester, and share their life together on the internet, and they filmed their special seats in that coffee shop and Dan realised, the thought finally struck him hard on the head, that he was really getting somewhere with this ‘YouTube’ thing. There was that first coffee together in the Starbucks down the road from their new apartment in London. The celebration after they left the BBC, shellshocked and jittery, after they were given a weekly radio show.

  
Dan smiles when he thinks about how far he’s come.

  
He decides to take a sip of his coffee. He exhales, and then watches the rain on the window.

  
It’s hammering down in grey sheets, and Dan could just see the dark splodges of people with their hoods up rushing about outside, dealing with their own lives. He thinks about what Phil says when Dan is crumbling, that nothing is too much and he can cope. Phil never uses the ‘you should be proud/grateful/happy with your lot’ excuse because Phil is almost in the same position as Dan and he understands that that is the way things are, and that knowing that will not help Dan, only push him deeper into a spiral of self-loathing.

  
Dan hasn’t loathed himself in quite a while. He’s just scared. Exhale.

When Dan has finally finished his mug of coffee the sky is a lot clearer and so is his head. The rain has stopped, the window covered in droplets of water, and a watery sun is breaking through the sky. Dan smiles into his empty cup and thanks god that nobody has disturbed him all this time. In fact, he’s extremely shocked that nobody has, actually, due to the fact that he’s been sat in a busy Starbucks on the outskirts of central London for over an hour.

  
Well… He was hidden in the corner booth, he supposes. He gets up and stretches his arms over his head, cracking his knuckles and letting out a deep, content breath, that turns into a yawn as he stretches out into his whole height. He ruffles his fringe to try and look vaguely presentable, should anyone now spot him, and strides towards the door. The mood he is in is not euphoric or ecstatic, perhaps it is not even happy, but it is a good mood. He is filled with a warm comfortableness, a serenity that washes over him and forces him to smile at the sunlight hovering outside the water-splattered doors. It doesn’t stream in, like proper sunlight does. But it’s still sun. A few droplets of rain drip slowly from the canopy over the door, and as Dan is watching them, about to press a hand to the glass, he hears the voice that means more than any other.

  
‘Dan,’ the word is soft, and Dan looks down and sees Phil sat on the little table by the door. He is taken completely by surprise, but Phil isn’t, as though he knew Dan had been there all along.  
Dan stares at him for a minute before he realises he has a voice, and Phil is just getting up with a warm smile as Dan finally says, ‘You could have sat with me if you knew I was here.’  
Phil presses a hand to the fogged-up door, leaving a handprint behind him. ‘I know you, Dan. You needed some time alone.’

  
‘How did you know… I was here?’

  
‘You looked a bit of a mess when you left the apartment earlier this afternoon,’ Phil said softly, as the cold evening air hits Dan. Dan hadn’t realised quite how low the sun had gotten whilst he was in the coffee shop, and now that the grey sheets of rain have stopped, he can see that the sky is streaked with pink. ‘I followed you out, because I was worried about you. And then you were stupid enough to go to Starbucks. And I didn’t know how many times you could get recognised before you exploded… Or imploded.’

  
Dan cocked his head to one side as he listened to Phil, the gentle breeze tickling his hair.

  
‘So I just decided to sit on the table by the door. A few people saw me, and most of them asked where you were. I said you were at home- a diversion, if you will.’

  
Tears started to prick at Dan’s eyes and he turned away as it dawned on him why he hadn’t been disturbed all day. Dan was so grateful he had Phil.

  
‘I’m so glad you’re my friend,’ Phil said, and Dan furrowed his brow in confusion. Was Phil being sarcastic? It was unlike him, but…

  
‘What makes you say that? You’ve spent all day sitting in a coffee shop dealing with people for me.’

  
‘I wasn’t _dealing with people_ , silly,’ laughed Phil, punching Dan’s arm. ‘I enjoy their company. So do you, remember?’ He raised an eyebrow, ‘When you’re in the mood. I just thought you’d be better undisturbed this afternoon.’

  
‘Thankyou,’ whispered Dan, as they headed down the street towards their tube station, ‘But still, why did you say that?’

  
‘Because if I know you Dan, and I do, you were thinking something along the lines of _I don’t deserve him_ or _I’m so lucky to have him_. That’s not me being vain- just the truth. So I thought I’d make it clear that I am incredibly lucky to have you, aswell. You’re amazing, Dan.’

  
‘Ugh, shut up,’ Dan scowled through his smile.

  
‘Hey look, a rainbow!’ Phil pointed upwards at the sly, and sure enough, a watery rainbow stretched above them, almost too faint to see.

  
‘Stop changing the subject!’

  
‘What subject? I don’t remember a subject!’

  
‘Ugh, I hate you!’

  
‘Hate you too, Dan.’

And with the sun slowly sinking over the horizon, and the London sky streaked with pink, two tall silhouettes picked their way through the hustle and bustle of London, completely identical to all the rest of the people making their way through the city, and yet as different and unique as all of them.

**Author's Note:**

> a/n: any feedback would be,, nice  
> trust me, this was difficult for me to write
> 
> zelda


End file.
